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Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Watch Out For Moose, Part 2

The Hazards of Oil

(see Part 1 here)

Hear this story as a podcast:

There is something about fried food that is so good, isn't there? But with health concerns being what they are, like many, I keep my consumption of fried foods to a minimum.  However, one evening while vacationing in Maine and eating dinner at Kokadjo, I was feeling that life was truly good and decided to throw caution to the wind. I had not only pizza but also French fries, onion rings, and fried sea food. For those not accustomed to so much fried food at one meal, the impact can be severe. And so it was.

There are perils at night in a big city like New York, but one of them is not moose. In Maine, however, watch out for moose is the friendly admonition almost always heard as one departs from a group of friends in the evening or night. Moose are big (some males weighing as much as 1500 pounds), and they sometimes travel in groups, often along the roadside. They are very dangerous, with hundreds of accidents every year in Maine with the collision of vehicles and moose, some resulting in death.

I left Kokadjo, heading back to my inn, and after just a short time on the road, I began to experience severe intestinal rumblings. Mother Nature was not calling but screaming. So here I was, the better part of 18 miles from my destination, it was pitch black, moose were everywhere, and I was developing the most severe case of diarrhea the world has ever known.

This was now a WAR of mind over body. My fellow companions were repeatedly telling me to pull over and do my business roadside. But that would be lunacy - this bodily evacuation would be a monumental mess for sure, and the prospect of squatting in the dark in the woods of Maine, surrounded by moose, and with diarrhea and no paper or running water was just unfathomable to me. And so I pressed on in the dark, driving much too fast and trying to avoid hitting moose as large as my car and killing myself and my family. At one point, I had a near collision with an entire group of moose crossing the road.

We have all experienced something either boring or painful where time seems interminable. But please believe me when I tell you that NOTHING felt as long as the time needed to drive those many miles back to our inn.

When I finally arrived at Blair Hill Inn, I drove into the parking area with my car careening and tires screeching. I recall neither turning off the car lights nor closing the car door. I ran for the bathroom. When I say ran, I mean sprinting like a man in a horror film with the most unimaginable terror close behind him. Now, with my goal in sight, the urgency seemed all the greater while I battled the final throws of my intestinal nightmare. Up a flight of stairs, down hallways, and into my room. Doors were thrown open and left open behind me. Nothing mattered except that bathroom, where a toilet seat now was THE most joyous sight I had ever seen.

I made the seat with no more than a nanosecond to spare and had one of the most explosive of movements in my life. From that moment forward, I would always remember how to really spell relief.
So, when I am inclined to overeat fried food, it is so easy to reign in the appetite. I just think about the hazards of oil: too many fried foods at a place called Kokadjo, 18 miles of sheer intestinal torture driving through the woods of Maine in the blackest night, and what it means to me when told Watch Out for Moose :)

Related Posts: Ice Cream Sandwiches, Hot Dogs and Fries, Nathan's


Anonymous said...

Hi Brian, are you going to create a podcast for every post?
we would appreciate that :)

Anonymous said...

If anyone leaves a negative comment Brian, they were clearly warned!!
I am full of mighty admiration for your show strength with the war of 'mind over body' - well done - impressive I say! I tried not to laugh - truly - I did try - and - I lost!

Brian Dubé said...

Anonymous - yes, that's the plan. How do you access your podcast? Do you think podcasts are still popular?

Jack said...

Sorry, Brian, but I had the best laugh of recent memory over your painful dilemma. Been there, done that. BTW, this is the first non-NYC post I can remember since starting to read your blog several years ago. I don't read every one, so maybe my count is off . . .

Brian Dubé said...

Jack - I always try to include some element and photo of NYC - the frying station is from Pomme Frites (see Part 1). Thanks.